Life goes on ...

So I've been a little slack with updating my blog lately, for a number of different reasons but mostly because I haven't felt like I've been in the right head space for it. I didn't want this blog to become a place where I end up writing a lot of my negative feelings so I've stayed away for a while.

I've done some stuff this past month and will fill in the blanks at some stage. Christmas has been and gone. It wasn't the Christmas I was expecting at all, and in the days leading up to it I wasn't really feeling it at all. I'm happy to say that my family and friends helped to turn that around and I ended up really enjoying 'Gay Christmas', Christmas Eve, Christmas Morning, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Each of those will make more sense later, but for now I'll just say that each has a special meaning to me.

I still haven't decided what I'm doing for New Years and considering it's in 2 days time I will probably need to decide soon.

The great news is that the paperwork came through and the job is confirmed. I start my training in Phoenix on the 7th January. I'll be away for two weeks which should be fun, and then will be based at home taking phone enquiries and hopefully some email/online stuff as well.

I'm still missing my partner-in-crime like crazy. Everytime I go somewhere or do something I wish that he was here with me. There are so many new experiences that I've lost track. And some of them I don't think can be put into words - it just has to be experienced.

I think the novelty of my accent is finally wearing off (which is great). I just need to get my licence, learn what some of the US names are for food items and get my conversions down (temperature and distance!).

More later ...

Spending the 'Holidays' in the USA

So Christmas this year was a little different to what I was expecting. I guess that's a good reason in itself why sometimes it's not good to have expectations in the first place.

Before I write anything else, I want to say that what happened this year for me was a series of events, most of which could not be predicted or avoided. There is no blame to place and I don't hold anyone accountable for anything - it's just what happened and how I felt about it.

Leading up to this trip I was really excited about coming to the USA for my first winter, and my first experience of being here from the start of the Christmas season all the way through. I had expectations of getting a tree, decorating my apartment (and tree), putting stuff outside, doing my Christmas baking, and generally overdoing it with the Christmas spirit.

Shortly after I arrived Mum had some stuff happen with the people renting one of her apartments from her. After weeks of advertising, and talking to people, we worked out that I would live in a different apartment and that rather than starting on the 1st December it would be the 1st January instead. And during December I would float between having my own place and sleeping on Mum's couch. I was in Florida for a week and visited friends in Boston for a weekend so I didn't think it would be a huge issue. This way it helped Mum out a little as well (meant a little bit of extra $$ rather than having to tell people no).

I guess what I didn't factor into the equation was that leading up to Christmas I only had about 8 days in the apartment during December and that I wasn't able to be in there for almost a week leading up to Christmas. This led to my decision to not decorate (as I wasn't going to be in there to experience it anyway). It also meant that I wasn't able to unpack my suitcase as I had to keep moving back and forth. This became overwhelmingly frustrating and upsetting as I couldn't find things I had brought over for Christmas and ended up wearing the same few sets of clothes over and over for almost two months. One of my bags was in storage and the other was being wheeled back and forth between Mum's apartment and mine - it became such a hassle.

It got to about midway into December when these things started to hit me really hard. I felt really overwhelmed and a little depressed if I'm being honest. I think it was out to spit (to myself) that I decided not to do any Christmas baking, which led to me feeling every more negative about being over here. I kept thinking to myself how much I wished I was back home in Australia, and that I would be enjoying Christmas a lot more if I was there. Obviously being away from David was weighing on my mind as well as everything else, so it just got to the point where it was overwhelming me. I felt myself shutting down and feeling really isolated. It probably didn't help that December is a really busy month for most people (work-wise and socially) so I didn't get to spend any time with friends over here either. I just felt so alone and down that I really started to question why I had come over here.

I'd had such high expectations that my time over here around Christmas was going to be bigger than Ben Hur - it was going to be amazing. So when almost the complete opposite happened it just hit me like a tonne of bricks.

Mum has been great through most of this experience. She has picked up on the way I've been feeling for the most part, and has tried to cheer me up as best she can. Obviously there are certain things beyond her control so it's not like she could flick a switch and make it all better. But at least she tried, and I may not have acknowledged it at the time but I know she was trying. It was probably made a little worse by the fact that the five days leading up to Christmas I was sleeping on her couch so it was a bit like a pressure cooker.

A couple of days before Christmas I thought to myself that I should still try and do some baking, so I bought a few ingredients and made some gingerbread ugly sweaters, some pretzel bark (Christmas crack as I call it now), some chocolate brownies and some caramel pretzels dipped in chocolate. I was really happy with the sweaters - more so with how they looked once they were decorated. I think I will definitely be doing this again next year, although not with gingerbread (as I'm not a big fan and I think they were a bit dry). I was also really impressed and proud of myself for cleaning up as I went along. Normally my Christmas baking is a big issue back home because I create a whole bunch of mess and then take a while to clean it up (I'm focused on doing all the baking first). This time because I was baking in Mum's apartment and space is limited, I had no choice but to clean up as I went. So yeah, that part was really good.

Heading into it, I was a bit bummed about the thought of spending the few days over the Christmas period away from home. In the end I was away for three nights, spending one night at three different places. As it turned out it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I got to spend time with friends (old and new), family and then immediate family. I think my favourite part was on Christmas night when we ate and then played drinking games. As I sit here and try to put into words what I was expecting Christmas Day to look like I can't really tell you. I wasn't sure what I was expecting it to look like as I knew I wouldn't be at home. It was hard not to have expectations about it, but I did. And in hindsight I regret that a lot. On Christmas morning I had a little breakdown with my Mum as I had misunderstood what we were doing and thought I was just going to be sitting around on my own. That wasn't the case.

Christmas this year has taught me a few lessons though. It's never the same without having your partner beside you. Family will always love and support you. Some friends are more aware of your struggles than others, and sometimes you need to spell things out if you want some support. Christmas is great to watch through the eyes of a child.

I'm sure there are a lot of other things I realised this year, but that's just a few off the top of my head.

Was Christmas 2014 what I wanted and expected it to be? No. Did I still have a good time anyway? Yes.

Before I go, I just want to say thank-you to my dear family and friends who reached out to me this year and made things a little easier for me. They know who they are, and I appreciate their love and support very much xx

I got a job ...

Well, I'm happy to report that after waiting a couple of months I was contacted by STA Travel USA about a job opportunity here. It's working as part of their call centre, taking incoming calls from customers to organise their (mostly overseas) travel plans. It's almost exactly the same job as I had back in Australia except this time I'll be working from home. Just waiting for the paperwork to come through to make it official!

I need to get a phone line installed in the house and unfortunately I can't use my laptop because the system isn't compatible with Macs. But the good news is they will organise a desktop computer for me, and will also reimburse me the cost of having the phone line each month.

The pay is not fantastic, but it's a sales job. This means if I am able to build my sales up then I will make a little extra money through commission. Not sure how easy it will be straight off the bat, but I'm willing to give it a shot. Back home it took about 6 months to build up my sales figures and find some repeat customers but I'm hoping the call centre scenario will be a little different. I figure I've travelled around a bit, have some good customer service skills, have experience in the job already and have an accent. Hopefully I'll be able to earn enough to cover the bills, food and do a bit of travel as well. We shall see.

My training starts in early January and they are flying me out to Phoenix for two weeks. I'm excited that I get to see another part of the country, and also that I will get to meet some new people. I've been looking forward to working for STA in another country pretty much every since my first day of training five years ago (can still remember our training saying how he had worked in Manchester and London and thinking how cool it would be to work overseas for the same company).

Bring on the 7th January!!

The joys of cold weather (snow and ice) ...

I keep getting excited by the snow we have had (and that we will have) and everytime I mention it to a local they laugh and say that I'll be over it soon enough. I'm sure it will happen eventually, but not today - not even after it has caused delays and schedule changes for my trip down to Orlando. 

I got dropped off at the airport around 1230pm and my original flight was due to depart at 315pm. It was really quiet at the airport so I got through security and to the gate really quickly. Over the next hour I watched the departure time on the screen change. Eventually it just said DELAYED so I decided to go and talk to someone (as it looked like it would affect my connecting flight). 

Of course that sounds easier than it was. There were no staff members to be found anywhere. I walked the length of the terminal and was unable to find staff for any airline. Thinking that missing the connection would be bad I decided to walk out of the exit, down stairs and then back to the other end of the terminal to the check-in counter. 

I had a quick chat to a staff member there who checked the two flights and reassured me that the connecting flight was also delayed so at the moment everything would be fine. I made my way back through security and took a seat to wait for the flight. 

About 10 minutes later a staff member walked up to the desk by the boarding gate and made an announcement that the flight was delayed and all connecting flights were ok at that stage. A gentleman in a group of 5 stood up and walked over to the desk. I heard him mention Orlando and then heard "ohh, you won't be able to make that connection!". Damn it, he was on the same flights as me ...

I went up to the desk and waited in line. Before long the same person I had spoken to upstairs was at the desk. We had a chat and she remembered me. Fortunately she had already tentatively rebooked me on a different flight option (now flying via Philadelphia instead of Washington). I was happy with this as it still got me into Orlando today, instead of having to come back tomorrow. 

So now I'm still sitting here waiting for my flight. Good news is that the plane has just landed and we will be boarding shortly. 

Orlando, I will see you in about 5 hours!

How time flies ...

Can't believe it is December already. I've already been here over a month and time is going by so quickly.

I can say I'm feeling well and truly settled now. I'm on the same time zone, I'm sleeping well, going for a walk when I can, slowly making friends and will soon be working (hopefully).

I'm particularly excited today because it's time to do some travelling. Later today I'm heading down to Orlando, Florida for a week. I'm going to visit some friends (Martin and Bill, Skip and Richard) and it sounds like they've got some fun things planned for me.

Can't write much now as I need to pack up and clean the apartment before we head off to the airport. I'm sure there will more to come later :)

First visit to the post office ...

It's funny how the cost of different things can vary so much from country to country. Postage is one of these ...

Each year I send out Christmas cards to friends and family. The price of the stamp usually varies depending on where I'm posting it to. From memory, last year a stamp within Australia was 60c, to the USA was $2.50 and to Europe was $1.75 (I could be remembering incorrectly!).

This year I want to keep up my tradition so I've started writing out my cards. This time round I need to send out the Australian ones first (to allow enough time for them to arrive). The cost to post a letter from here to Australia is $1.15, and I discovered it's actually a flat rate to any country outside of the USA/Canada. So I was very happy to find out that it's much cheaper to post the cards from here. It's only 49c to post the cards within the USA as well, so that's even better news!

I also sent my first parcel home to David! It was about $60 but it's not too bad considering the weight of the box (9 lbs something - I don't know how many kgs, it just says lbs on the receipt). Basically they have three different sized boxes. You can opt to pay by weight (if you are sending something light), so you can stuff it as full as possible and pay a flat rate to send it. That's what I did - and now I have to play the waiting game for it to arrive. Hopefully before Christmas!!

This is probably boring to most people, but I found it kinda interesting.

Lazy days ...

The past couple of days I feel like I've been really lazy. Yesterday I didn't leave the house, except to sit outside for an hour in the sun.

I've been writing my Christmas cards and trying to get them finished before I head to Florida tomorrow (yikes!!). 

Well at least I've got all the Aussie ones ready to post. And most of the European ones.

Can't believe how many cards I've written this year, but at least it's cheaper to post from here than it is from home in Oz. 

Anyway, must get back to it. Have to do something constructive today!!

Nothing quite like family ...

Family has an amazing way of touching you, even when you don't expect it.

When I was driving home from Boston I organised to call in and visit Tylene and Alain on my way back up to Maine. They live in Portsmouth, New Hampshire so it's roughly half way inbetween Boston and home. I planned on stopping in and saying hi, taking a short break from driving and just catching up on how everyone was going. Grammy had been in a car accident a few days earlier so it was also my first chance to see her since the crash and see how she was doing.

I arrived just in time to see Mum visiting, but unfortunately she had to head off to work so it was a short catch up. I stayed for a while and caught up with Ty and Frenchie and to my delight Ty had made me some dinner. Totally unexpected but 100% appreciated. It's gestures like these that touch me.

I caught up with Grammy, who had suffered a couple of cracked ribs from her accident. She was a little shaken but mostly ok - just in a little bit of pain. Thankfully no one was injured in the accident, although it sounds like the car is a little worse for wear.

Before long I jumped back in my car and headed north - with some food in my tummy and happiness in my heart. I know it sounds cheesy, but that's how I felt. I am touched by the acts of kindness that Ty and Alain have shown me since I arrived.

Boston - still more than a feeling!

From the first time I visited Boston I felt relaxed and at home. Walking through the city, the vibe I got was very similar to that back home in Melbourne. The people seemed friendly enough, the town was big yet small enough to walk through at your own pace and not feel overwhelmed, and the layout was easy to navigate and fairly tourist-friendly. Throw some friends into the mix and you've got a really great city.

This time round is a little different. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm not in a rush this time. So I can take things at my own pace, visit places I want and if I run out of time then I can just come back. It's literally only a 2 hour drive away from home (not very far!!).

It was so great to catch up with John and Larry again - and this time spend some decent quality time with them (the last two visits it's been a quick "hi" and "bye" out to dinner somewhere on our way through town.

John and Larry organised dinner/drinks on the first night and a movie night at their place so I could catch up with some of their friends (some who I know already - Steven and Jimmy - and some new people - Nick and Trevor (another Aussie living over here in the US) and Joe and Jay). We also headed into the city and had lunch at a funky place called The Salty Pig! So delicious!! On the way home we drove by the Bunker Hill monument and took a look. We didn't have time to climb it then, but I think I'll go back and do that sometime. It's really quite tall when you stand up close!

I had Monday to myself and headed into town again just to walk around for a bit. I'd been told about a place to eat called KO Catering - run by an Australian guy. They make and sell meat pies so I was sold. There are two stores in Boston so I went to the one closest to a train station (it was very easy to find). It was great having a pie for lunch! I went with the original as I was craving that taste (they had about 6 different varieties). It was pretty good! Flaky pastry and minced meat inside - could've done with a little more gravy but I'm not complaining. Obviously I took a stack of photos, then ate my pie, and then headed into the city.

I walked around town for a bit, doing a spot of window shopping and taking a few more photos. It was a really warm day (for this time of year) so it was lovely being outside. The weather has been quite mild so far since my arrival. I'm sure that will change when Mr Frost arrives to welcome in winter though!

I caught the train back to my car and then drove up to Portsmouth to meet up with Mum, Tylene and Alain. They gave me a bite to eat (bless) and then I drove home via Kittery and Biddeford for a spot of shopping in each. Didn't really need to stop but thought I'd just check it out as I had the time.

I feel so lucky to have met John all those years ago (12 or so). We have become great friends over time and it's nice to know I have a good friend living so close by. Larry is awesome too, and I can't wait to get to know him better. Should be fun next summer when we can all hang out a bit. Can't wait for April when D is over so we can all spend some time together!!

Road trip.

Going on a road trip has always seemed like a very American thing to do. Obviously we have roads and cars back in Australia, but our major cities are quite far apart and there's not always a lot to do or see in between them. 

I guess it's also something I've seen on tv and in alot of movies. 

I'm happy to say that I've taken my first proper road trip since moving here!! Granted it was only down to Boston (2 hours south) but it's a start.

I wasn't sure how the car would go on the freeway, or how busy the traffic would be. But to my surprise (and delight) the drive was easy, pretty quick and very painless. Not too much traffic on the road and I was able to stay in the middle lane for most of the way without having to worry about overtaking/etc (they overtake on the left here and that's something I'm still getting used to). 

I'm down in Boston now for the weekend, catching up with some good friends. 

Now that I've survived this journey I am looking forward to planning a few other trips in the surrounding areas (Montreal. Ben and Jerrys Factory and other parts of Maine to name a few). 

Now it's time to go relax and unwind...

Walking ...

Before I left Australia I thought a lot about what I would be doing when I arrived here. In my mind I had it all figured out - I'll setup a routine to go walking every day, I'll go first thing in the morning, it will be fun and easy, blah blah blah. I got myself a Jawbone UP wristband just before my departure and thought that it would be great motivation to setup a regular walking pattern for myself.

Well I'm happy to say it has worked, sort of.... I've definitely found that the Jawbone has made me more aware of when I do and don't exercise. I've set it to vibrate if I am still for more than 45 minutes. It also measures my sleep, although I'm not sure how accurate it is (I tend to move around a lot when I'm sleeping and it interprets some of that as me being awake).

The walking is meant to be part of a bigger plan - eating better, joining a gym, drinking more water and generally living a healthier lifestyle. I thought that of all places for me to do this America will surely be the hardest. And if I can achieve it here then I've got no excuse for not being able to do the same thing back in Adelaide!

My overall aim with the walking is to hit 10,000 steps every day. On face value I thought that would be easy - go for a walk and I'll hit that each day. Wrong. 10,000 steps is a lot. I went for a walk today for an hour and still didn't hit that many steps (I didn't do much else during the day so had to add a little walk this evening to get me over the line). It also doesn't account for the days when I can't go for a big walk for whatever reason - bad weather, other plans, seeing friends/family - or when I start working and don't have as much free time. Mum said a lot of people head to the mall in winter to do their walking - and it makes perfect sense. I can see a lot of time spent inside the Mall/Hannaford (supermarket) and Walmart during my winter months here. They are all big places where I can walk and walk and walk.

I have plans for joining a gym next month but I'm still doing some research on that. I want to wait until I start working before I commit to a particular gym location (ideally I want to go to one near where I end up working).

I'll also save my rambling about a healthier lifestyle and losing weight in another post. It's kind of late now and I really need to get some sleep.

Speaking of which, I've noticed that I feel like I'm sleeping better now that I'm walking more. A good side effect!

Daytime weather ...

When you grow up in a certain part of the world, you get accustomed to the weather in that area. You learn that clear skies usually means a certain level or warmth, dark clouds mean that rain is on it's way, and even in the middle of winter the sun's rays can be very warming.

That is not the case in Maine (and other parts of the world).

Mum and I were talking the other day about how deceiving the temperature is when you look outside.  Even when it looks like its a nice clear and sunny day outside, that doesn't necessarily mean it's warm....

All of the houses in Maine have some form of oil/gas central heating. It's not central heating by Australian standards - it's heating through the entire house from the pipes under the house to the ceiling. They do this not just to stay warm, but to also prevent the pipes from freezing during the winter months. 

Right now the sky outside is perfectly clear. The sun is shining and it appears to be a lovely day.

But one step out the door reveals something very different. The temperature at the moment is a chilly 3 degrees celsius (feels like -1) - that's 38F for the locals. When I woke up this morning it was -3 celsius!! Of course sitting inside you don't notice the heating is keeping you warm. We have the heat sitting on around 15 celsius (60F) so it feels just like it would back home on a regular day. The shock is when you go outside to do something.

Today is a calm day - when it's windy outside the cold is even more noticeable (very icy). I'm still going out wearing one layer of clothing under my jumper/hoodie/jacket, but I think it will very soon be time for two or more layers. So far it hasn't bothered me but I'm sure I will feel the cold as the temperature continues to drop.

Social Security ...

Well, I can happily say that I'm really impressed with one part of the American system - Social Security!

Today was super painless and very quick. I went into the office in Portland to apply for a social security card/number. I filled out a very basic form, waited less than 2 minutes, spoke to a lady at the desk, showed my passport/visa, answered a couple of questions (under oath) and was told the card will be posted out in the mail in about 2 weeks. 

That was it. Simple!

It's probably the first easy/simple thing that I've had during this whole experience. I was actually really shocked by how easy it was. Shame the rest of it wasn't that simple. 

Now I'm looking forward to the card arriving so I can open a bank account, get my licence, and most importantly start looking for a job!!

Frustrations.

Yesterday I got a little frustrated with a couple of things to do with moving here. At times it just feels like different governmental departments don't speak with each other. And there are no clear guidelines about how everything is connected. 

Before I arrived in America I had to pay an immigration fee. On the day I arrived this then automatically triggered a system whereby my green card gets posted out to me. The limited paperwork I got about this (via email) gave the impression that this took 2-3 weeks. When I called yesterday to ask some questions I was told that it takes up to 45 days for the card to arrive. No worries, the green card is not that important. When I asked about my social security card I was told that I need to talk to a different department and apply for it separately.

That's when I felt really frustrated. You can't do anything in this country without a social security number. You need it to open a bank account, to apply for work, to get your licence, pretty much to do anything. So when I was told I need to apply for that separately it was kind of annoying as I could have done it weeks ago!

So today I went into the social security office. Filled out a one page (very brief) form. Spoke to an official at the office and then it was done. My social security number will be allocated and a card will be posted out in the mail in about 2 weeks. That was the best part of the day today - what a relief. 

I am really looking forward to finding a part time job and working over here. Now I just need to work out what I want to do. I think it will be easy to find something part time. Seems like everyone is hiring for the holidays. 

Friends and family ...

I think now that I am feeling more settled that I need to make more of an effort to make plans to catch up with friends and family. I've been here just over three weeks and I've only seem some people when I first arrived. I haven't even caught up with some of my closer friends yet and that makes me feel like a bad friend.

Once I have my apartment full time I am going to organise a get-together to have drinks and some snacks. It will also be a good way to catch up with a few different people all at once.

In the meantime I think I need to be more pro-active about how I spend my time.  I'm starting to feel a bit lonely in the evenings as I don't really have anything to do but sit around watching tv ...

*yawn*

*stretch*

Time to go for a walk ...

Goals.

This coming week I am setting myself a few goals. Going to make a list of things to do this month, some places I'd like to visit, people I'd like to meet and stuff I need to buy before winter sets in for real. 

Hopefully I'll also be able to start thinking about a job.

I am still tossing up whether I should invest in an exercise bike or join a gym. Or maybe both if I can find a cheap gym and a bike that's not too expensive as well. 

I've almost been here three weeks now and I'm just starting to feel weird. I can't explain it, but it feels like I'm overstaying my welcome in some ways. 

Mum has been really great in keeping me company and checking in on me all the time. I guess I'm just feeling a bit out of place. I don't have any close friends here, and the good friends I do have are all married/partnered and don't want to catch up all the time to chat or hang out. 

I feel like I'm complaining or something, and that's really not my intention. I just thought I'd be seeing friends alot more than I have been. Maybe it's because when I've visited previously it's been a small window of time so every night has been spent meeting up with friends or family. Now I'm here long term and feeling a bit lonely I'm just noticing it more. 

Anyway, back to the couch for me. An eventful Sunday night indeed :)

American Family.

It's always a nice feeling going to Portsmouth to visit our family there. I don't think there has ever been a time when I haven't felt completely welcomed with open arms. Today was no exception. 

It makes me feel happy to know that Mum has family here to offer her support and love. 

We went down for a visit today and spent some time with Tylene and Alain, and then took Grammy out for dinner. 

Just these simple acts of being around family make me feel a little home sick. 

I got an email from my grandma today and it nearly brought tears to my eyes reading it. In that instant I felt so far away. I wanted to pick up the phone and call her but it's not that simple. I think I need to sort out a cheap way to call her! The same thing happened yesterday when u got an email from my Dad. Made me happy to hear from him, but sad to feel so far away. 

Might need to get them to install some apps so we can exchange voice messages and calls online. That can be my project for this week.

Working and getting out of the house ...

I think that I am well and truly settled into Maine life now. My body clock is on the same time zone and I feel like I have everything I need to look after myself (thanks in a big way to my Mum who has helped with a car, a phone and somewhere to live for 6 months). I think that it would have been a lot tougher if I didn't have her around.

I'm getting to the point now where I think I'm ready to start looking for a job, even something part-time, just to get me out of the house. Hopefully my greencard/social security number will be arriving any day now which will allow me to start applying for jobs.

I've been looking around a little and I think it's a good idea to get something to keep me occupied during the winter months. The income will definitely help as well, although it will be hard to accept the low hourly rates over here. I know it's a different country, and things work differently here, but I will be getting paid less than I did when I started working at McDonalds some 20 years ago (oops, that's showing my age!!).

But the pro's for getting a job are not just financial. I will get to learn how the 'system' works over here. I will hopefully make some new friends and met new people. I will get out of the house each day. It will keep my brain occupied and give me more of a purpose. It will also mean I won't have to dip into my savings, and that I can (hopefully) travel a bit more while I'm over here.

Now it's just the waiting game - come on Mr Postman!  :)

Food, glorious food!

I have to say that I am a little proud of my restraint since I arrived here. Normally my ritual in America is to consume as much food as possible, whether it be good or bad for me. My rationale is that I'm on holidays, have access to food that is otherwise not available to me and that I'm only here for a limited time.

This time around it's different, so I need to think differently as well.

I think the only candy I've bought from the store so far has been a couple of small chocolate bars with Christmas flavours and some halloween candy (because it won't be around much longer in the stores). I've eaten some of it and I'm keeping some for later.

I will admit that ice-cream is a weakness of mine, but I am pacing myself with that as well. While I'm here I have decided to create and participate in the Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Challenge. It's something I've made up myself, but I want to try and eat every flavour that is available in stores. I went to their website and made a spreadsheet of every flavour that is listed there. Over the course of the next year I am going to try and sample every single one of them. I'm also going to put together a table of my thoughts on the taste and whether I would try it again. It's just something I came up with when I was thinking about living here.

The only soda I've had has been a can of Dr Pepper on the plane from New York to Boston and little bits here and there when I've been out at a bar or restaurant. Mostly I'm trying to drink water, both still and sparkling. They have a lot of variety here with flavoured sparkling water but I think I still prefer the plain one best.

Meal-wise I have tried to start cooking food from day one. I've made pasta, slow-cooked pork and shredded chicken so far. Portland (Maine) is so amazing as far as restaurant eating goes, so I definitely want to experience some of that. But in a way to watch what I eat and save some money, I still want to eat at home most of the time.

Once I am settled into my apartment full-time I am going to do a juice detox/fast for 7 days as well. I'm excited about that - hopefully it will help flush out any crap from my system and help to lose a little weight. Once the juice detox is done I will also be looking to start going to the gym, but that's a whole other post for another time.

All in all, I am trying to eat as well as I can and my goal is to come back to Australia weighing less than I did when I got here. I know that is going to be a challenge but 'game on' ...

Happiness!

It's funny how emotions can change so quickly. Was able to have a great chat with David earlier on Skype. It felt like we were almost sitting next to each other in the same room, talking away the way we normally do. Caught up on a lot of stuff as we haven't really spoken properly all week. I'm starting to love his days off even more now!!

I started the day feeling down and depressed and now I'm feeling happy and up.

Thanks "Mr Skype" for inventing the technology to video chat!

Music and emotions ...

It's amazing how certain songs can have such a power effect on us.

A while ago David played a song to me 'I Choose You' by Sara Bareilles. He said that it reminded him of me and summed up how he felt about me. I had a listen and liked the song. Sitting here this morning it started playing on iTunes, however this time it had a much more profound effect. I stopped what I was doing, sat down and listened to every word of the song. Not even half way through and the tears started flowing. By the end of the song I was a blubbering mess.

It's been really hard with the time difference the past few days to have a proper chat with David so I'm really feeling far away from him at the moment. Now that we have started daylight savings here the only time I get to speak to him is in the afternoon/evening here (unless I get up at 4am). It really sucks.

I am trying to keep myself busy with stuff here - walking, taking photos, going to different shops, hanging out with friends, etc. But none of that replaces the little hole I have inside :(  Nothing makes the fact that he is half a world away feel any better.

I think today is going to be a hard day :(

Cabin fever ...

I'm not sure that I'm there just yet, but I'm starting to feel a bit anxious about being at home all the time. Every time I've visited Maine it has always been for about a week. And during the times I've visit (and there have been quite a few) it's always been a quick run around to the usual places. Various stores and supermarkets to buy bits and pieces, souvenirs, fun foods, cheap clothes, random cds or cool things from the comic store. But now I am here long-term. Now I don't need to rush around. This time I'm spending more time indoors at home and just relaxing.

I don't know whether it's the fact I'm not doing much. Or the fact that I don't have a job. Or the fact that I'm away from David. Or maybe it's a combination of all of the above. It just feels weird.

I wake up in the morning and don't really feel like I have to rush to get out of bed. After about half an hour I get up, mostly because I got bored of just laying there and can't go back to sleep. I check out FaceBook and then get myself some breakfast. I'm trying to make breakfast a regular habit now and I'm trying to eat something a little healthier.

The past week I've had a small bowl of granola with a couple of spoonfuls of stewed apple, topped with some almond milk. Add a 1/2 glass of orange juice and presto, breakfast is prepared....

I eat it sitting at the table with my laptop opened, reading through FaceBook and catching up what all my friends back home have been up to. By the time I'm reading it almost everyone at home is either in bed or getting ready for it. I post a few photos or comments and then think about what to do with myself for the day. Again, it feels weird not having a purpose or a set thing to do (i.e. a job!). I know that will come in time, but I'm just not used to having nothing to do like that.

At this point I can hear David saying something like "ha, you always sit at home and do nothing" - well, maybe he wouldn't put it as harshly as that but he'd say something similar. I guess when I would sit at home and relax it would be on my day/s off, and I'd do it to unwind after working hard all week. This feels different - kind of like I have my engine running but it's just idling in the driveway.

I find myself constantly wondering what David is up to. I am still sad about being so far away from him, but during the day it isn't just sadness - it's something more. I find myself wondering what he is doing, what he did yesterday, what he had for dinner, what he's watching on tv - lots of little things. A couple of times it's felt like I have been waiting the whole day just for it to be time for him to wake up so I can talk to him.

The longest we've ever been apart since we started living together is 2 weeks. It's approaching that part now and it makes me feel uncomfortable. We both have separate lives at the moment - and this is by my doing. I made this happen, so I can't exactly complain about it. But at the same time living here is something that I have wanted for as long as I can remember. So I find myself constantly trying to balance my thoughts between missing the man that I love, not having any regrets, fulfilling a dream, blah blah blah ...

If I go back to the part about me feeling uncomfortable I guess it's because the reality is that life goes on. Just like my life is happening here right now, David's life continues back home. I know that it's crazy talk, but I'm just scared that his life is going to keep on going without me in it and that things will change while I'm away. I know I will have my good moments and my bad ones and I think tonight I'm just getting a little too sentimental and overly emotional. I'm also a bit tired which probably doesn't help. I do have faith in our relationship - but I just wish he was closer! Simples.

And now that I'm unloaded a bit of emotional baggage I think it's time I head to bed for some shut eye! Goodnight world, you are a bittersweet mistress!

Surreal!

It still feels a little bit surreal me being here. Kind of like I’m on a holiday and I’ll be leaving soon. Except the pace is different - this time I’m not in a mad rush to do anything (shopping/try new food/catch up with friends and family). 

It feels weird.

New phone!

One of the first priorities once I arrived in the US was to organise a phone and a phone number (or cell phone as they call it here).

Seeing as the new iPhone 6+ has just been released it seemed like the perfect timing to get one. 

Mum took me to Verizon and before I knew it, this happened ....

And then this ...

And then finally BOOM - new iPhone up and running :)

My cell number is 207 373 8638 just in case anyone wants to send me a text or give me a call.

It has made such a difference having a phone with Internet access the whole time. I can stay in touch with David whenever I like whereas before I had to wait for wifi to access the Internet. 

Plus the phone itself is amazing. I'm loving it, even if it is a little big to use with one hand. And with the plan I'm on, it will be paid off and out of contract within a year :)

Halloween 2014!

I planned my arrival to the USA to be just in time to celebrate Halloween. It's one of my favourite holidays (even though we don't really celebrate it in Australia). I have been in America for Halloween once before and spent it in Salem, which was pretty amazing!!

I hadn't really made any specific plans and wasn't sure what I should do for the night of Halloween, which this year fell on a Friday. I considered heading to P-Town for Spooky Bear but found out about it a little too late which meant driving on my own for a few hours (I think around 4 each way) and then having to pay for expensive accommodation on my own. I also thought about heading to Salem again but I decided that I wanted to experience something closer to home. I wanted to see trick-or-treaters coming to the door, and to feel the excitement and atmosphere on the night so I stayed in Maine. 

Jeff and Michael (some close friends of mine) invited me over to their place, so I headed over and watched them hand out some candy to the local kids. Before I left home we had a couple of kids come to the door, but the area that I'm living in is not really built up, so not a lot of kids walk the streets around here. Driving over to Jeff and Michael's house was pretty awesome - there were kids everywhere, walking the streets in costumes with their parents nearby (most of whom were also in costume). It really felt like what you see on tv! I loved it!

As Halloween was on the Friday night there were quite a few parties being held over the weekend, and I got invited to join Jeff and Michael (along with a couple of their friends, George and Chris) at a Halloween Party in Ogunquit (a town about 30 minutes south of where I'm living). The party was at a Bar called MaineStreet Ogunquit and the event was called Super Heroes and Villains. Naturally a costume was in order and Michael was kind enough to drive me around to look at some options. I narrowed it down to either a Priest or a Viking.

Viking Ben! I just need a sword and shield!

Forgive me for my sins!

In the end I went with the Priest as I thought it would be fun turning it into an evil Priest. Michael helped with the horns and make-up, and I got some fake teeth as well. The costumes and in particular the accessories/make up are just incredible over here. There are entire shops just dedicated to Halloween. It's really hard to appreciate how much people here get into Halloween. 

So we got dressed up and headed to George and Chris' house for some drinks and to add finishing touches to our costumes. 

The end result - Evil Priest!!

George offered to be the designated driver for the night, so we jumped in the car and headed to Ogunquit. The party itself was amazing - again, it felt like I was watching a tv show. Everyone was dressed up in all kinds of crazy costumes and it felt so surreal. There were two difference dance floors and an up-stairs section. We spent the night chatting, people-watching, drinking and dancing. No Kylie, but they played one ABBA song so I danced along in David's honour!! I think it was a great way to be introduced to Halloween properly in America and had such a great night!

Seeing some of the costumes that friends had this year has really inspired me for next year. I am definitely going to put in a lot more effort and try to come up with something original, creative and fabulous!! :)

Time Zones (continued)

The time difference continues to play havoc with my sleep patterns, although it's getting slightly better day by day. 

All week I've woken up around 5am and by 6am I find that I can't force myself back to sleep again. Consequently I'm getting really tired by about 8pm every night. I'm managing to stay awake until around 9, but then find myself either falling asleep on the couch or having to go to bed. 

Anyone that knows me will know that I'm not a morning person. Lol! So it's quite unusual for me to be up so early. 

It's not the end of the world though, I just need to find something to do in the mornings to make me feel more productive!

Time Zones Suck!!

I'm starting to realise how hard it's going to be to speak to David whenever I want to :(

With my jet lag I've been waking up around 4 or 5am each morning. I try to stay in bed and force myself back to sleep, but the one saving grace is that it gives me a chance to speak to David. When it's 4am here it's around 6:30pm in Adelaide which is generally a good time to have a chat. But when I go back to sleep and wake up around 8/9pm it's a little too late in Adelaide (around 10:30pm) and David is either heading to bed or already asleep.

This week has been tough with David working day shift because he has to be up around 4am. This means he heads to bed really early to try and get enough sleep.

We managed a couple of brief chats (via text) but apart from Wednesday morning we haven't been able to speak properly all week.

I had a little breakdown yesterday. I was just sitting here and my mind started thinking about him. I miss him so much :(

I'm hoping we will get a proper chance to speak later today. I have a phone now, so we can get in touch with each other a bit easier now..... I'm just waiting for him to wake up - so hurry up time!!

Welcome to the USA!!

Once we got off the plane and went through to immigration I was escorted to a different area - a small room with a handful of seats. Two ladies sat to the right taking the applications from people as they walked in - one of them was quite sassy and abrupt. Normally that would have pissed me off but today it didn't bother me. I handed my paperwork to the sassy one and was told to take a seat. I was then called up by the other to sign a piece of paper and have a fingerprint taken before sitting down again. Then a third lady in the room called me to her desk. We went through the paperwork briefly and I had my fingerprints taken from all fingers. Then I was led into a second room - this one was much bigger and had about 60 seats in it, with a row of officers sitting at desks processing various applications. I was told to take a seat in the middle and wait. After about 10 minutes (which felt like about 30) I was called up. The guy said 'all done' and passed me back my passport. I said 'is that it' and he said 'yup'. Wow, I was now officially in the United States of America as a permanent resident.

I can't really explain how I felt in that moment. The culmination of 9 1/2 years of paperwork, waiting, more paperwork, more waiting, visits to Sydney and Melbourne, letters and phone calls to various offices both in Australia and the USA. It was a very surreal moment.

So with that I walked through to get my suitcases (which by this time had been removed from the conveyor belt and put into a small section with other bags yet to be collected). I got my bags and walked through Customs. I declared I was bringing in food (candy and biscuits) and was allowed to walk straight through. I was relieved about that as the thought of opening my bags and having to re-pack them was horrible (they were kind of full!!).

After customs I made my way to the bag drop area for American Airlines (for the last flight up to Boston). This was quick and painless, and I was able to squeeze in a couple of things from my carry on so save me carrying them). I then had an hour or so to wait and the gate before my flight and started noticing things around me - I was in New York City!!

I boarded the flight and had three seats to myself (one last piece of comfort I guess).  They offered a drink on the flight and I couldn't help myself. I had to order something typically American - Doctor Pepper!!

Some 40 minutes later the flight landed in Boston and it wasn't long before I saw a very familiar face - my Mum!!!

My Mum and I - <3

We collected my bags and made our way to the car.  It was a beautiful day outside which I was grateful for. Heading into winter over here it's going to get really cold. So I'm going to make the most of every day where there's some sunlight and clear skies. We stopped in Portsmouth, New Hampshire to visit Tylene and Alain on the way home. They live about half way between Boston and Cape Elizabeth so it's the perfect stopping point. It was great to see them again (had been about 18 months). Tylene had arranged some yummy food but I wasn't feeling too hungry. I made room for a delicious apple pie-like creation that Tylene made. I forget what it was called but OMG, it was delicious!! Can't wait to get the recipe and try making it for myself.

Once we left Portsmouth it was a straight drive up to Maine. You could see the beautiful colours on all of the trees (this is the best time of year to check out the leaves changing their colours!!). I eventually fell asleep in the car and before I knew it we were home. I am staying in the back apartment for now, and will be moving into the front apartment officially on the 1st December. Mum stayed for a while to talk but it wasn't long before I was falling asleep so I decided to skip dinner and put myself to bed. It was time to try sleeping and getting my body-clock adjusted to Maine time!!

Emirates A380 Business Class - Impressive is an understatement!

Well, that was certainly quite an experience!

When I first booked my flights to come to the USA I decided to use frequent flyer points to try and save on the expenses. And after searching around I realised I didn't need to use too many extra points to fly between economy and business class with Qantas. Qantas are partners with Emirates so it also meant that I could travel with Emirates and fly through Dubai. Obviously this is taking the long way as it involves 2 x 13 hours flights compared to just one (if I was flying from Australia to Los Angeles). But I figured if I was going to travel in Business Class then this would be a great way to take full advantage of this. So the flights were booked and the excitement began. I gave myself a 22 hour stop in Dubai to break the journey up, to get some rest in between and to possibly see a bit more of Dubai (the later never eventuated).

Once the flights were booked I was able to manage my booking online. Because of the stopover in Dubai on the way across the Qantas website allowed me access to something called Dubai Connect. It's a package they sometimes offer travellers with a stopover exceeding 6 hours. It offers the traveller a hotel in Dubai as well as a chauffeur to/from the hotel. So with this organised all I had to do was wait for the flights themselves ...

Checking in at Adelaide Airport was a breeze. I had extra luggage allowance as well, which allowed me to bring a few more things with me that I thought I might use/need while I'm away.

All checked in!

Once checked in David and I spent some time talking about anything and everything, trying to avoid the pain and sadness of what was about to happen. As we were chatting a friend Annie came up and said hello. She was seeing her sister off for a trip to Europe, so that also help distract us from the pain we were feeling (probably more for me than David).

We waited until the line to go through security was almost done and then said our goodbyes. The pain from that last hug still haunts me today. I still can't believe I have done this, but that moment was definitely the hardest thing I have done in my life. I know I have written about this already, but I'm so lucky to have a partner that has allowed me to do this. I will be forever grateful to David for allowing me to have this opportunity - he is the best man in the world! Such a beautiful soul! I miss him so much and it hasn't been a week yet. So we said our goodbyes, hugged, kissed, hugged some more, squeezed and then I walked through security *deep breath* ....

As I was going through security I turned back and kept waving at David. He got a great photo of the last moment we were able to see each other (it's on FaceBook). I took a photo and quickly got told off by the security people - opts!

Once past security and passport control I waited in the boarding area for about 15 minutes before they started boarding the plane. It was enough time to make a last phone call to David and have a chat as he was driving home. It was a little easier than it had been in person but saying goodbye still sucked dogs balls!!

Once I was on the plane it was easy to find my seat (close to the front). I put my bags in the overhead bin and sat down to prepare for the flight. There was a ridiculous amount of leg room (lots), but I realised later that was to make way for the flat-bed!! Shortly after I sat down an attendant came around offering juice, water and champagne - obviously I took the champagne ...

Cheers!

 Throughout the flight I enjoyed all the creature comforts of Business Class. Had several cocktails, freshly prepared meals served with real metal cutlery, noise-reduction headphones, Bulgaria aftershave in the bathroom and had two naps (in the fully extended flat bed). It was fantastic seeing as the flight was just over 13 hours long. But before long we arrived in Dubai and it was time to find my way to the chauffeur lounge and head to the hotel that was organised for my 22-hour stopover. It was fairly easy to find where I had to go (the staff at the desks seemed really helpful).

Once I'd found the chauffeur lounge I only had to wait a couple of minutes before a man led me to my car, and about 5 minutes later we arrived at the hotel - Le Meridien, Dubai. Check in was a breeze and I was given vouchers for breakfast, lunch and dinner that could be used at multiple restaurants within the hotel complex (what a bonus!!). Then I was taken to my room which was in one word, AMAZING! The highlights of my room were definitely the bed and the SPA BATH!! Heavenly!!

Most amazing spa bath - used it TWICE!!

I arrived at the hotel at about 6am and my pickup was organised for midnight so I had 18 hours to relax, unwind and get some sleep. After having a cup of tea the first thing I did was to take a very long spa bath while I had a chat with David. Then I decided to go and grab some breakfast. To say I was spoiled is an understatement. They had all sorts of food available at several buffet areas as well as cook-to-order items from the menu as well. I just picked a few bits and pieces but highlights for me were the camel's milk, goat's cheese, and the energizer juices they had an offer.

After breakfast I went back to my room and contemplated heading out to explore a bit of the city. I decided to stay in and try to get some sleep as I was feeling exhausted, no doubt a natural reaction to the previous week/s of anxiety, sadness, heightened emotions and the long flight. I ended up sleeping off and on for a few hours. I started feeling peckish around 3pm so I ventured out again to look at the hotel and find some food. The hotel is close to the airport but spread out over a bit of land. The property includes several hotel buildings, three pool areas, about 10 restaurants and a few bars. I decided to go Irish for lunch and had a cottage pie (which was delicious) along with some cider (it was about 35 degrees celcius outside!). It was delicious!!

I again thought about what to do with my evening - go into town or just rest/relax - the later option won through again. I had another sleep, another spa bath and then before I knew it the time had come to head to the airport. I got back to the airport rather quickly and headed to the Emirates lounge to enjoy a drink and some food. I think I ended up in the wrong end of the lounge as it was the 'quiet' section. I had a drink and some nibbles but wasn't too fussed about missing dinner as I knew they would feed me on the plane.

Boarding the flight was awesome - the flight from Dubai to New York was on the A380 and Business Class is on the upper deck so we had a separate door to enter through. I found my way to the seat and had another glass of champagne! The seats on the A380 are a little different and you get your own section with a side table and mini-bar (amazing!). The seat also reclines into a flat bed so you can sleep if you want to. The other awesome thing about the A380 is that Business Class has a bar and lounge at the back of the plane. Let's just say that several beverages were consumed back there during the flight :)

Before I know it, we were getting ready to land in New York (JFK). I started to feel a whole bunch of different emotions - excitement, anxiety, stress, tension, sadness - it hit me like a whirlwhind. I was also feeling sad that my Business Class adventure had come to an end (I was only able to do this using frequent flyer points and don't think I will ever be able to afford to fly this way on a long-haul flight).  What an amazing memory!!

Dubai, get in me!!

Have arrived in Dubai safe and sound. The flight was pretty comfortable (which was to be expected) with only a few bumps during the flight. 

When we landed I did get a bit confused about where I was supposed to go. Dubai airport is huge, but after getting directions from a few helpful people I found my way easy enough.

The hotel I'm staying in is only a few minutes from the airport so the drive was short and sweet. The hotel I'm staying in is Le Meridien and put simply it's stunning. The room is huge, with a king sized bed, couches, desk, massive sofa chair and a spa bath! Yes, I've already had a bath today!!

I had a small nap just to unwind and stretch out and then headed to the Yalumba restaurant for breakfast. Buffet breakfast of epic proportions. Pretty much included anything you could think of. I ordered a couple of energizer juices to put some good stuff into my system but pretty sure balanced it out with lots of cheese, fried food and pastries...

Now I'm going to head back to my room for a few hours of proper sleep. Will try and head out to the Sikhs (markets) this afternoon and catch up with some friends for dinner. 

I really wish David was here to share in this fun experience. I think I appreciate the food side of things more thanks does, but I still wish he was here.
 

And we're off ...

Wow, I can't believe how quickly my departure date arrived. 

I have been wrapped up with anxiety and guilt these past couple of weeks about leaving David to start a new adventure. I know I've been writing about it a lot and I've been overwhelmed with messages of support and love. We knew this was going to be hard but as a friend told me recently 'making a big life change is scary. But what's even scarier is living a life with regret'. I'm probably not as eloquent with my words, but the phrase hit home. 

I am sitting on the plane as I write this. Its really hard to pinpoint how I'm feeling. I definitely feel a lot more relaxed and less anxious than I was 12 hours ago. But that might be the champagne or the cocktail I had earlier in the flight. Or the Baileys that I'm sipping on now. 

But in all seriousness I do feel more comfortable now than I did before I said goodbye to David. Now it feels real. I'm actually on the plane now. Now excuse me while I recline my chair into a bed and try to get some rest. I may write more later, depending on how I feel. Dubai is still 8 hours away. Sweet dreams from me to everyone, but especially David who is hopefully snoozing comfortably right now in bed xx

D-Day!

Well, the day is here. Not sure if I want to say it's finally here because from the moment I opened my eyes this morning I've had such a heavy feeling inside. David and I have already had tears this morning but we are trying to just move forward with the day and get ready for the airport tonight.

I've got one bag packed (full of clothes) and a second bag that is almost packed (it's half filled with treats and other bits that I think I'll need for a year, plus some extra clothes.

I decided to pack a few extra clothes to take with me just in case I need them. I picked some things I don't wear much so that when I come back in a year's time I will know whether to keep them or just donate them to a charity in the US.

This packing process has been good for one thing - I have culled three garbage bags worth of clothes out of my closet in the past week. It's always a good feeling to get rid of stuff that you never wear/use.

But back to today - I find myself every couple of minutes looking for David, wanting to be near him, close to him. Even if it's just staring (which I'm doing as I type this now). I am realising that as much as I am going to miss David, he is probably going to miss having me around just as much (if not more).

I am feeling so emotional for so many reasons, but the smallest reason is the move to Maine. I'm not that worried about living in a new country. I feel like my main focus (as it should be) is on David, and the excited I'm feeling around leaving him for a year. I really hope it gets easier once I'm over there and settled. I keep telling myself that we will be able to stay in touch every day, use Skype and iMsg and all of the modern day tools. I always knew today would be the hardest day. I just didn't realise how hard it would be.

David, I LOVE you. Thank-you for allowing me to have this opportunity to go and follow my dream.  Love you forever! You are my soul-mate xxx

Last night in Lobethal!!

I can't believe it's my last night in Adelaide for a while (Australia for a that matter). 

Today was beyond wonderful. David went out of his way to clean/decorate/prepare things to make them extra special just for me! That's just the kind of guy he is. 

David's mum and sister cooked a lot of food and deserts before they came over which was such a blessing. I am so thankful to both of them. Today couldn't have happened without them. Thank you!! Xx

The day itself was just a really relaxing day sitting outside, eating, drinking, playing frisbee with Imogen, drinking some more, having shots with the girls and Paul/Michael, chatting and just spending time as a family. 

Imogen was so cute. At one stage she followed me into the kitchen and jumped into my arms for cuddles. About 5 in a row. It's almost as if she could sense something. I don't think she understands that I'll be gone for so long. It was heartbreaking saying goodbye to her tonight. I held back the tears but felt really emotional when I said goodbye. 

Saying goodbye to Tara, Jess and Paul I started getting tears. Something Tara said nearly pushed me over the edge but I made a joke to try and think of something else. I will miss them so much xx

I cannot put into words how welcome I feel to be a part of this family. Such a great loving wonderful group of people. I couldn't imagine spending my last day here any other way. 

I am going to miss them all incredibly. I know all too well that life doesn't stop moving and changing for everyone here while I'm not around. I'm just glad we have technology today to stay in touch so easily. 

Now it's time for me to head to bed. I can hear David gently snoring and I want to enjoy laying next to him and hearing it until I fall asleep. 

Thanks again to everyone today for making the day so memorable. It means the world to me xx

You all mean to world to me, and I love you very much! Xxx

Memories!

Back in Adelaide after a great weekend away in Melbourne. Had a chance to catch up with lots of family and friends and say another farewell on my seemingly neverending 'farewell tour'. This time I went in knowing that it would be the last time I see people for a while but I made an effort to treat it just like we were catching up any other time. I didn't want to get overly emotional in front of anyone - I always get embarrassed if I cry in public. I think the only two times I got close were when I hugged my grandma goodbye and when I said goodbye to Stephen. It's funny - I get more emotional when I'm on my own as my brain just starts to tick over.

Anyway - I can't believe that it's Thursday and that I am leaving in three days. Even thinking that out loud makes me feel sad inside. I really don't know how I am going to feel leaving David on Sunday night. He just came into the lounge room and gave me a random cuddle. We are both dealing with this separation anxiety in our own ways, but come Sunday we will both be a mess.

I am really lucky to have David and Stephen in my life. I have lots of other wonderful friends and beautiful family that I am also grateful for, but Stephen is a one-of-a-kind friend. He is more like a brother to me and is someone that is always there to offer support, advice, friendship and love. Lucky me!

David is like no one I have ever known before. He is amazing and inspiring (even though he doesn't know it). He always has my back and is supportive of me no matter what - letting me live this dream in the USA is proof of that. I have never loved anyone so completely or deeply in my life and I often think I'm such a fool for leaving him to live away. But I know that I will be coming home. To David. Because David is my home, my everything. I know that sounds mushy but it's true. I can't imagine my life without him. I can't wait for him to visit in April - that's the thing I will focus on once I arrive in the USA!!

Anyway, enough rambling - it's time to go book his ticket!!

The love of my life!

My BFF! 25 years and counting! x

Feeling sentimental ...

Spending time with family and friends this weekend has been wonderful! It's always great to catch up anyway, but it feels extra special knowing that I won't be around for a year. 

I'm feeling very loved at the moment and we're only half way though the weekend :)

Xx 

Knot in my stomach!

I'm home from another farewell dinner, the fourth one in five days. Tonight was with the team I work with and it was great. When I got home David was already in bed so I've just been sitting here for the last hour - thinking and over analysing things.

What if this isn't the right thing to do? What if I am making a huge mistake? I can't believe how quickly things change in my head. One minute I'm feeling really happy and excited, and then I just freeze - and feel a fear coming from deep inside me.

I'm not saying this to sound dramatic, it's just how I feel. And I feel like I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it.

Some people say that it's simple. If I don't enjoy my time in the USA then I can come home. If I feel unhappy or miss David too much then I can come home. If I can't find a job and run out of money then I can come home. Sure, in theory that sounds great. But I can't help but wonder if I am doing immeasurable damage to my relationship with David. Clearly he is the best thing that has happened in my life. I love him deeply and completely. I feel comfortable around him and he is someone that I can talk to about anything. I have other close friends, family members, colleagues - I generally wear my heart on my sleeve and tell people how I'm feeling. But it's different with David.

I don't want him to hate me for going away :(

I don't want him to feel sad or be lonely while I'm away.

I don't want to hurt him or make him think he has done something wrong.

I feel like I miss him already and I haven't even left yet. Why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel so guilty?

My heart feels like it's going to explode. I wish David could come with me so much. I am feeling so scared right now and I can't stop crying :(