I'm home from another farewell dinner, the fourth one in five days. Tonight was with the team I work with and it was great. When I got home David was already in bed so I've just been sitting here for the last hour - thinking and over analysing things.
What if this isn't the right thing to do? What if I am making a huge mistake? I can't believe how quickly things change in my head. One minute I'm feeling really happy and excited, and then I just freeze - and feel a fear coming from deep inside me.
I'm not saying this to sound dramatic, it's just how I feel. And I feel like I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it.
Some people say that it's simple. If I don't enjoy my time in the USA then I can come home. If I feel unhappy or miss David too much then I can come home. If I can't find a job and run out of money then I can come home. Sure, in theory that sounds great. But I can't help but wonder if I am doing immeasurable damage to my relationship with David. Clearly he is the best thing that has happened in my life. I love him deeply and completely. I feel comfortable around him and he is someone that I can talk to about anything. I have other close friends, family members, colleagues - I generally wear my heart on my sleeve and tell people how I'm feeling. But it's different with David.
I don't want him to hate me for going away :(
I don't want him to feel sad or be lonely while I'm away.
I don't want to hurt him or make him think he has done something wrong.
I feel like I miss him already and I haven't even left yet. Why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel so guilty?
My heart feels like it's going to explode. I wish David could come with me so much. I am feeling so scared right now and I can't stop crying :(
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