So Christmas this year was a little different to what I was expecting. I guess that's a good reason in itself why sometimes it's not good to have expectations in the first place.
Before I write anything else, I want to say that what happened this year for me was a series of events, most of which could not be predicted or avoided. There is no blame to place and I don't hold anyone accountable for anything - it's just what happened and how I felt about it.
Leading up to this trip I was really excited about coming to the USA for my first winter, and my first experience of being here from the start of the Christmas season all the way through. I had expectations of getting a tree, decorating my apartment (and tree), putting stuff outside, doing my Christmas baking, and generally overdoing it with the Christmas spirit.
Shortly after I arrived Mum had some stuff happen with the people renting one of her apartments from her. After weeks of advertising, and talking to people, we worked out that I would live in a different apartment and that rather than starting on the 1st December it would be the 1st January instead. And during December I would float between having my own place and sleeping on Mum's couch. I was in Florida for a week and visited friends in Boston for a weekend so I didn't think it would be a huge issue. This way it helped Mum out a little as well (meant a little bit of extra $$ rather than having to tell people no).
I guess what I didn't factor into the equation was that leading up to Christmas I only had about 8 days in the apartment during December and that I wasn't able to be in there for almost a week leading up to Christmas. This led to my decision to not decorate (as I wasn't going to be in there to experience it anyway). It also meant that I wasn't able to unpack my suitcase as I had to keep moving back and forth. This became overwhelmingly frustrating and upsetting as I couldn't find things I had brought over for Christmas and ended up wearing the same few sets of clothes over and over for almost two months. One of my bags was in storage and the other was being wheeled back and forth between Mum's apartment and mine - it became such a hassle.
It got to about midway into December when these things started to hit me really hard. I felt really overwhelmed and a little depressed if I'm being honest. I think it was out to spit (to myself) that I decided not to do any Christmas baking, which led to me feeling every more negative about being over here. I kept thinking to myself how much I wished I was back home in Australia, and that I would be enjoying Christmas a lot more if I was there. Obviously being away from David was weighing on my mind as well as everything else, so it just got to the point where it was overwhelming me. I felt myself shutting down and feeling really isolated. It probably didn't help that December is a really busy month for most people (work-wise and socially) so I didn't get to spend any time with friends over here either. I just felt so alone and down that I really started to question why I had come over here.
I'd had such high expectations that my time over here around Christmas was going to be bigger than Ben Hur - it was going to be amazing. So when almost the complete opposite happened it just hit me like a tonne of bricks.
Mum has been great through most of this experience. She has picked up on the way I've been feeling for the most part, and has tried to cheer me up as best she can. Obviously there are certain things beyond her control so it's not like she could flick a switch and make it all better. But at least she tried, and I may not have acknowledged it at the time but I know she was trying. It was probably made a little worse by the fact that the five days leading up to Christmas I was sleeping on her couch so it was a bit like a pressure cooker.
A couple of days before Christmas I thought to myself that I should still try and do some baking, so I bought a few ingredients and made some gingerbread ugly sweaters, some pretzel bark (Christmas crack as I call it now), some chocolate brownies and some caramel pretzels dipped in chocolate. I was really happy with the sweaters - more so with how they looked once they were decorated. I think I will definitely be doing this again next year, although not with gingerbread (as I'm not a big fan and I think they were a bit dry). I was also really impressed and proud of myself for cleaning up as I went along. Normally my Christmas baking is a big issue back home because I create a whole bunch of mess and then take a while to clean it up (I'm focused on doing all the baking first). This time because I was baking in Mum's apartment and space is limited, I had no choice but to clean up as I went. So yeah, that part was really good.
Heading into it, I was a bit bummed about the thought of spending the few days over the Christmas period away from home. In the end I was away for three nights, spending one night at three different places. As it turned out it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I got to spend time with friends (old and new), family and then immediate family. I think my favourite part was on Christmas night when we ate and then played drinking games. As I sit here and try to put into words what I was expecting Christmas Day to look like I can't really tell you. I wasn't sure what I was expecting it to look like as I knew I wouldn't be at home. It was hard not to have expectations about it, but I did. And in hindsight I regret that a lot. On Christmas morning I had a little breakdown with my Mum as I had misunderstood what we were doing and thought I was just going to be sitting around on my own. That wasn't the case.
Christmas this year has taught me a few lessons though. It's never the same without having your partner beside you. Family will always love and support you. Some friends are more aware of your struggles than others, and sometimes you need to spell things out if you want some support. Christmas is great to watch through the eyes of a child.
I'm sure there are a lot of other things I realised this year, but that's just a few off the top of my head.
Was Christmas 2014 what I wanted and expected it to be? No. Did I still have a good time anyway? Yes.
Before I go, I just want to say thank-you to my dear family and friends who reached out to me this year and made things a little easier for me. They know who they are, and I appreciate their love and support very much xx
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